Q: Is there a problem if you are sexually active with one partner but when you have sex, you think about other women in your past and present? Say, fantasize about these other women while your having sex (sometimes not even while having sex, sometimes when sleeping). Is something wrong with that?
Thanks for reading, and I appreciate the question, it is a common one. There is nothing wrong with having fantasies about other women while in a relationship or sexually present with someone else. Fantasies are a huge part of who a lot of us are as sexual beings, and often they actually end up promoting more intimacy between partners. Fantasy is also often suggested as a way to spice things up in a monogamous relationship that may have turned monotonous.
The only concern I would have here would be that these fantasies are about actual women you’ve had (or have) in your life. If you’re in a monogamous relationship, I wouldn’t suggest telling your partner about these fantasies because it may unnecessarily upset her. It is one thing to fantasize about celebrities or people we have never met, but to fantasize about someone who we could potentially turn the fantasies to reality with can be really threatening.
So, evaluate why you are fantasizing about these particular women in your life, and if it has something to do with having feelings for them, you may want to consider what that means. However, if it is just because you find something about them sexual, but you’d never take it outside of your fantasy to real time — fantasize away!
Q: I feel like my penis is too small. What is the average length? Does size actually matter?
The average length of a flaccid male penis ranges from 3.1 inches to 4 inches and the average length of an erect penis is 5 inches to 7 inches. There is little relationship between flaccid size and erect size. However, the penis of men whose flaccid penis size is near the lower end of the average tends to grow more when erect than the penis of men whose flaccid penis size is near the high end of the average. Regardless of measurements, penis length doesn’t really matter when it comes to the physiology of heterosexual penetration. A woman’s vaginal canal contains lots of nerve endings that are receptive to touch. However, the majority of these nerve endings are in the outer one-third of the vagina, so 5 inches is plenty long to reach and stimulate that section.
Q: I get very little pleasure out of penetration alone, but when I touch myself while he is inside of me, I am able to have an orgasm some of the time. Is this normal?
Many women are unable to reach orgasm with penile penetration alone. Depending on the position you and your partner are in while having sex, the penis alone may not be able to sufficiently stimulate zones on your body that bring you to orgasmic climax. A common solution to this is manual clitoral stimulation or partner clitoral stimulation, a widely encouraged way to enhance your sexual pleasure.
However, if you are concerned about this and would still like to orgasm without manual stimulation, experiment with different positions to see how your bodies fit together. Aim to find a position where the pelvic bone of your partner rubs against your clitoris. Have fun with each other and explore what feels best for the both of you.
Q: What does an orgasm feel like for women? I’m not sure if I’ve had one or not.
There are different ways to measure what an orgasm feels like, and it is a very difficult sensation to put into words for many women. However, physiologically speaking, you will experience increased blood flow to your genitals, coloring and swelling of your genitals, a strong tension throughout your body, and then rhythmic muscular contractions that expel the blood back into the other organs. This will feel like you’re having a muscle spasm through your whole body, with concentration in the genitals, but the intensity is different for everyone. Some women experience a pulsating sensation in their genitals; others experience a full-body muscular spasm.
Also, some women find there are marked differences between clitoral orgasms and G-spot orgasms (also known as deep orgasms). Clitoral orgasms are usually more like the sensation described above, and G-spot orgasms are a deeper, sometimes more intense feeling that may resemble the need to urinate right before occurring. Also, a feeling of release has been said to accompany the G-spot orgasm. However, some research suggests that it is false to think there are different types of orgasm for women and that although there are different methods to reach the orgasmic plateau, the physiology of an orgasm is identical regardless of the site of stimulation.
Q: Do orgasms for my boyfriend and me feel the same? What is the difference in an orgasm for a guy and a girl?
There are a lot of similarities in the experience of orgasm in men and women, such as general spasms, emotional intimacy, a feeling of ecstasy, and pleasurable satisfaction, although the intensity of these feelings may differ between women and men. The primary difference is that men experience “shooting sensations,” where this has not been widely reported by women.
However, it is quite difficult to define what an orgasm feels like and many people report having difficulty coming up with the words to describe the sensation. Although self-reports are most valuable for this type of personal experience, there are other ways of assessing the experience. Physiologists have observed objective signs such as bodily sensations, endocrinologists have looked at hormones and neurotransmitters, and brain imagers have looked at activations in the brain. All of these investigations suggest the physiology of an orgasm is very similar between men and women.